In love!!!

I have used this past week to reflect on my previous week of camp... It was amazing! God has blessed me with a past of having great, life changing weeks of camp, but this one might have taken the icing on the cake. It was different then all the rest!...

The summers of 05 and prior- God was continually strengthening my faith and encouraging me to step out in faith and trust Him, to be a light to my high school and youth group, and to choose to serve Him only, even if it meant I was standing alone. 06- This was my BI year and just very stretching. This was where the foundation for my love of counseling and descipling broke through and was layed.There was a lot of observing, self evaluation, and trying to figure out the applications of the things of God in my camper's and my lives. 07- Making God a priority and not comparing myself to others. How to truly be free in Christ and relaxed in my chirstianity. 08- Growing and maturing.  He allowed for scripture that I had studied or meditated on to be on my lips. I seemed to have scripture reference or could find it really quick for any situation, based on previous quiet times and study.I think that the Lord was preparing me for the year ahead, so that as I faced trials, I would run to Him and cling to His word for comfort. I found refuge, hope, and peace in His word... A certain someone caught my attention towards the end of summer and I might have been intrigued. 09- Letting go of anger, bitterness, and callussnes. I believe that this was the summer that I confessed to the Phillips and God began healing my heart over the split that had taken place in my home church. God had already been working on bringing down the barriers around my heart through the hurts and heart break of the sin and selfishness, and my search for sound preaching (the word of God-not altered to fit man), and me running to and seeking His word for answers and comfort. I longed for a safe and familar place, a place of refuge, where I could get away from everything but God, where I knew that when God spoke, I would hear loud and clear, a place where He could and would heal my heart and so I couldn't wait for camp. Something inside me told me that it'd be ok, and that camp would no longer be the only safe place for my heart. God used my girls in my life more than I could have ever have imagined. I saw God working on me and in them! I was fearful at first, and replaced the fear with trust and it was the best connection, I've ever had with a group of campers. He broke me. I became comfortable with me and the person that I used to be and who God was making me into! And I wasn't going to apologize for it, especially since God used the past and where He brought me from to comfort others. Honesty! This was a freeing summer and the beginning of a new fulfilling life!... Oh and my struggles increased with thoughts of a certain someone. It was difficult to keep focus on my girls and what God had for me at the present time. I fought my trying to figure out what exactly my thoughts were on the matter, as I continued to observe, analyze and figure out the extent of my intrigue. The enemy tried so hard to distract, but the Lord strengthened me!!! 10- This was the first summer that I wasn't famished for God's word and trying to grab all that I could, to go and brace the outside world. Waiting on God, stopping and listening to the whisper and giving up control is what He hammered at my heart. I need to learn to be faithful in the small things... My heart and mind seem to be a little more sure and settled as to God's will and my thoughts toward this special person. I must wait on God and His timing.

...11-Eveything leads to this summer! Praise the Lord! As I look back at my life and who I was just 5 years ago, and to see where God has brought me and to be able to truly say, I am not the same person I was then as I am now! From since I can remember, I have loved the Lord and strived to show that love. I have not been nor am I perfect. I have stumbled, tripped, fallen, made up my own paths, and deliberately gone the wrong way, but even in my sinning, my true desire has been to love my Savior! I still don't always get it right, but this week at camp was so encouraging! God revealed sin in my life that I need to surrender, convicted me of gifts and talents that I haven't been using, He renewed my focus and drive, and gave me a glimpse into my purpose. He really layed it on my heart that bc of a past/continual sin in my life, that I wasn't able to be where He had me to be, where there was a need. Boy was this a slap in the face, it was so humbling and I confessed it to God and am changing my life bc of it! I did a lot of observing, evaluating, and ODGing of everyone I came into contact with and spent any kind of time with. He filled me with compassion, grace and mercy, love and a desire to encourage. I had amazing conversations with incredible women of God, gave and recieved counsel. I loved being a vessel and being surrounded by the people of God, being continuously fed by the word of God, in an atmosphere that is created for God and your relationship with God to be the primary focus! I was adopted by a family while at WOL; they made me feel so welcome and loved and God used them in my life! I got to share my testimony, reconnect with old friends, make new ones, laugh hard, pray even harder, disciple,  see answered prayers, and truly seek and depend on my Savior! I prayed really hard and pretty consistently for one of my girls, this past year, and although other people didn't get to see the change and God working in her life, because of her exterior barriers, rebellion, and sin in her life, God allowed me to see it! Normally I would not be patient with this kind of attitude, and trust me, I do not excuse it or allow her to get away with it, but God had placed her in my heart, in a special kind of way, and has given me such patience, compassion, mercy, a protector mindset, and sensitivity towards her. And if He hadn't, I don't think she would have opened up so much, asked so many questions, and grown as much as she did. She still has a long ways to go, but so do I. I do wish that she wouldn't be afraid to let her light shine, but that is in God's timing and through the Holy spirit's conviction and not mine(or any one else's), no matter how much it may frustrate me. I praise the Lord that her mindset is back on pleasing the Lord, instead of herself, as it was all last year upto a few days before camp. What people don't understand is that, she has come a long way, and that is probably why I don't see her or react to her the same way as other people, that and the work of the Holy Spirit in me. The mere fact that she was at camp, and open to hear from God, WHICH SHE DID!!!, is a miracle! My job is to continue to pray and encourage her in the things of the Lord! Thank you Lord, for doing this! And Lord, please continue to make me love the "unlovables." Out of every way that God refined me this week, the loudest one, the one that has changed my life is when I heard God say, "Barbara, my beloved, you love me, but you are not in love with me..." It broke my heart! And it was true... I decided to fall in love with Jesus! I've never been in love and so, I am not exactly sure how this is supposed to go, but I am going to run with it. I've decided that since God is always pursuing me, fervently, that I will say yes, follow Him whole heartedly, and allow Him to teach me how to love Him! One of the ways that was loud and clear was to make God my secret keeper. Tell Him my hopes, fears, desires, concerns, and to turn to Him in every circumstance! I am so excited! I've jumped off this mountain head first, without any fear of falling. Although I know that there is no bottom, I know that in my path are a lot of low, dark valleys, and other high peaks, that will attmept to shatter my faith! The plan is to completely trust God, continue to soar to His arms and not cling onto the temporal safeties of this life!!! I seek to find new ways to be in love with My Jesus!!! I can't wait to see what God does in and through me!!!!... So far I have been looking forward to my qt daily and it has become a priority, medidtating on God's word, and being open to His work in me, looking for every opportunity to glorify Him! And the enemy has already attacked, and the battle between my flesh and my spirit was long and tolling, but I am blessed to say that the Spirit is winning!!! My life is forever changed. It no longer belongs to me!!!!..... Oh and I am currently at peace, ferevently praying and patiently waiting on God's hand in other matters... PTL!!!!

Thank you Jesus for all you have revealed and taught me this week! Thank you for loving me to much to leave me where you find me. Please continue to grow me and give me the desire and strength needed to continually choose you and genuinely love you!!!!  - 2 Peter1:3-10

Currently Preparing To Be a Help Meet By Debi Pearl see related

Preparing for adventure!

Today I completed, Praparing to be a Help Meet. It was a good book; I really enjoyed it and actually plan on reading it again, and maybe even going through the bible study. I don't know if I'll ever get married, because it isn't promised nor is there a magic formula to "get" married. I do desire to be married one day! I am content in my singleness (I am enjoying it) if God wills me to be married then I will be, and am honored. And if He doesn't then I am sure that He will remove the desires and want to from me. I want what He wants for my life! But for about the past 5 years, God has been preparing me for something. My mindset and heart has been changing on some issues. My best friend and mentor seem to think its to be a help meet, which is why she, Jackie, gave me this book to read! When she first mentioned the whole idea, of God preparing me to be  a wife, I was repulsed! But by the time the book came out and then she got her copy and was letting me borrow it, I was open to the idea of God readying me to be a helper. It seemed a little more practical. Even if it isn't to be a help meet, He is definitely preparing me to be submissive to authority and posses a gentle, meek, and humble spirit, who is willing to serve, joyfully.  Looking back it is amazing to see where I am now, compared to where I was about 5 years ago. And its funny to think that I thought I was so close to God back then, when my heart and views were so skewed from biblical truths, but I didn't see that at the time! I praise the Lord for his grace and mercy. He is so patient with me and has been working so faithfully to conform me into His image! I am so grateful for a God, who loves me so much, and has come to me as I am, but can't leave me that way, in my depravity, and patiently shapes me into the woman that I was created to be. I see her in the mirror, but she seems so distant, so unattainable, at times. It's humbling to realize that no matter how hard I try I can't, nor would I desire to become her, in my own strength!

Preparing to be a Help Meet has inspired me to obey God! I have been contemplating a few things the past year or so. I've wanted to take up a few new hobbies, go on a missions trip, be more focused on who I am  in Christ, get deeper and more practical in my walk with God, and learn to love my daddy as Christ would have me to! I have now set my mind to do these things. #1) I am going to make a list of the things that I want to learn about and learn to do and then start learning. I want to poor myself into being a real, true student of life. Some ideas that I've been flirting with are learning to sew, about plants and herbs, health and the human body, new languages, about cars, to play different musical instruments(and mastering a few) and anything else that may seem interesting. #2) I've never taken an overseas or short term missions trip. I've gone on evangelisim trips, and ministry trips, where the gospel was shared and such, but I've never gone to a different country, where I didn't speak the language, out of my comfort zone, all alone, for the sake of missions. It's been on my heart the last 3 years, but I haven't moved forward with the idea, because I've allowed excuses and anxieties to cloud my judgement. I just looked up the short term msisions with WOL. I def want to do something that is longer than 2 weeks. I don't have a specific country that I am interested in, but I prefer the Spanish or French lang., and something during the summer. So that narrows the possiblities with WOL to a few. I am going to see where God leads from here. If I can raise support this summer, I may be on my way, but if not, the plan is for next summer! #3) I am planning on volunteering with first care once a week and maybe even doing their walkathon in April! I just registered! God laid this ministry on my heart, on Sunday. Idk why, but my goal is to love God and to love people and all that entails! I want to be a joyful, willing servant of my master! #4) I went through "For Women Only" a while ago and as I was reading "Preparing..." many of the same concepts came up again, so I plan on going through it again. #5)I've been praying that God will teach me to love my daddy as I am supposed to. We are so much alike that we often clash and I've been convicted of it... One of the last chapters reminded me that the way I interact with my parents will directly correlate to the way that I interact with my future husband, and in some ways it was scary! So it is my desire to learn now, what God wants from me and learn to be a help meet, by being a daughter that honors her daddy (even when he truly is being irrational and stubborn or is totally wrong, in my mind), before I am one!!!

I am so excited to see what God deos in me and through me!